YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPER!

by Jamie Rice

Dearest Karine,

Bet you thought you caught me didn’t you? Well, no fucking dice. None at all. THERE ARE NO DICE! (Sorry for shouting! I was excited!)

Me in public spaces… or maybe just me in general

Anyway, life is still happening down here for the peasants in NC without jobs (wink wink wink wink). I’m still just trying to enjoy all of these school and unadult moments, but I have recently been rather wearied by my relationship (or friendship) with the young grasshopper. For example, today in class we discussed Game of Thrones, John Oliver, Silicon Valley, and Beyonce’s amazing Lemonade. So I was already like so in it, and this was all tempered by the fact that before class I was joking with my teacher that I was gonna skip and she was like, “But without you what would the young grasshopper do?” and I had to be like, “Oh, trust me he would be fine.” The whole scenario was just hitting me so motherfucking close to home.

AND THEN we were just like talking and all of sudden we weren’t talking anymore. We were just like staring in to each other’s eyes like this:

And then he like looked down at my lips for a second and in my mind it ended like this:

But, instead, I just looked away and tried to ignore the fact that it all of a sudden felt like a 1,000 degrees in that classroom. And who knows if it was just me or if he was there with me in that moment. I got no clue. No fucking clue. (How fun for me? Always enjoy feeling crazy.)

However, I have resolved to accept the fact that maybe I am just not over it yet, and that is okay. The time will come when I no longer care, and I will love it when it happens. I will enjoy that day. And that day with come, but until then I got to stop beating myself up for enjoying and wanting a good thing back. I mean I shouldn’t Gatsby the whole scenario, but I gotta realize that it is natural to want back the hand holding and Sing Street movie make outs in the snow (I pushed two stories together there, but you get the message).

No Lana Del Ray. I will not. Sorry. This is America, and the patriarchy is strong in this nation.

Otherwise, nothing too big has happened in my life besides the fact that I got really drunk all of Sunday in an attempt to handle the whole scenario. It worked pretty well until I forced Rachel to listen to sappy songs from The Last Five Years and almost cried in the car (but don’t worry, your girl covered for it beautifully).

Same Greg. Sameeeeeeee

I also got to hang out with Rachel Lewis and Holly because they moved all the way back across the country to North Carolina because they were done dealing with fuckboys and LA. I literally looked at Rachel and went, “Welp, I guess I’m gonna go repeat your mistakes and hopefully prove you wrong,” and she was like, “Hey, please do!” But it was beyond fun to see her again. I also told Rachel and Holly about the young grasshopper biting my vagina and Holly’s look of shock was worth the 45-minute drive. Without a doubt.

Lol I just want you to know that I was listening to this amazing ass song:

And it reminded me of when young grasshopper (hereafter known as YG), Ryan, Ben and I all got together and YG and I sang “Over” together. And then I got all Gatsby sad again. Yeah, clearly it’s still gonna take some more time to get over this, but the first step is acceptance, and between my admission last week that I liked him and my admission this week that I’m really not over it, I think I’m really on the right track. Let’s pray to mother universe that I’m right.

All the love that the Universe can even conceive,

James

P.S. I am so fucking proud of you with your whole job scenario that I can’t even think of words. I give you this gift: