Job Anxiety & Other Expected Emotions
Scenario: I quit my job, get my EU citizenship, and move to an ocean-front property in the south of Spain where I can keep my beautiful pony nearby.
That’s the fucking dream.
I’m clearly feeling a little stir crazy. Some days go by without me even questioning why I’m here (or at least not having heart palpitations questioning my decision) and other days are like this. Today, I want nothing more than the freedom to what I want, to pursue what makes me happy, and to ultimately, lounge on the sand by a European sea (see my About section).
Obviously I’m not going to move to Europe anytime soon, especially not just to mindless stare at the sea. But with all the job interviews and conversations about the future that I’ve been having, it hit me today that I don’t know where my life is going. Yes, that’s partly a beautiful thing, but it’s also party terrifying.
At this point, I know as far as professionalism goes, I love to write and edit. And that’s about all I know. No niche, no subject I’m profoundly passionate about, no direction other than “let me rant on the internet about my life”…hence blogging.
The thing is, it’s hard to feel gratified when you’re sitting in a cube all day without any visible window or sunlight away from all your friends doing work that you’re supposed to believe benefits a corporation while sales go up and down seemingly (and sometimes literally) with the weather. I know nothing about numbers or sales, so if my efforts are having some impact on them, I sure wouldn’t know. I’m not saying I want to be the next Superwoman, I’m just saying I’d like to be able to pretend I’m just a quarter of the way to Superwoman at least occasionally. And if I can’t find a career that gratifying, I’d at least like a career that allows me some flexibility to chase what I want.
With all the people I’ve spoken to the past few weeks about job prospects, I’m really only getting more and more confused. Am I going into hospitality? Should I be a teacher? Do I want to sell wine for a living? I’d probably just end up drinking it all if my psyche stays where it’s at…Maybe that’s not a bad idea…Is it scary that being a teacher came right before selling wine…?
Honestly I’m part angry, part disappointed, part bored as fuck, and part trying to quit and just like sit in a silent dark room for a while. And when I say a while I mean like 3 weeks.
I got a job offer today. Can you believe that? I got a job offer and I’m STILL freaking out about my life. Then again, that offer was followed by 3 other companies reaching out to me, so maybe that’s where my confusion comes from. I may have gone a little submission-happy in the past month or so. But hey, they say you gotta pursue what you want 100%…also I have nothing else to fucking do.
Is there a job out there that will make me happy? Who the fuck knows. All I know is that I’m certainly not happy now.
So as most things go in my life: on to the next one.