Content & Contemplating

by karinaaax03

Dear James,

So I can’t say I’ve had an incredibly exciting weekend, but honestly for where I’m at I can’t complain. Friday night was spend at home drinking wine in bed and blissfully playing with snapchat filters, which made me just about as happy as a toddler who noticed the ice cream truck is waiting at the bottom of her driveway. Slightly sad, but entirely true.

Yesterday, I went to an interview out on Long Island and got to sit in front of the ocean for a good 25 minutes. You know how I feel about the ocean, and although it wasn’t in the south of Spain and there was no sangria in sight, it was a nice moment.

Outside of that, I spent most of the rest of the weekend drinking wine/hanging out with myself. I realize I spend a lot of time alone lately, and although in retrospect it’s kind of sad, I’m beginning to enjoy it. I think that I’m finally ingesting the reality that I can basically do whatever I want if I really wanted to, and that makes my sentiments on life much, much sweeter.


I don’t really know where this if from but it’s perfect.

Speaking of drinking, I had two glasses of wine with dinner (commonplace for me these days, and when I say two glasses I mean more like three because I pour like I have to share). After dinner, I took my usual slightly tipsy shower (probably not safe when you think about the possibility of slipping and falling, but I’m young and agile and lack self control). I have a lot of interesting thoughts when I’m half drunkenly shampooing my hair. Today, the thought popped into my head that people do really shitty things, even good people. I know, so original. But let me explain.

I know I’ve had this train of thought before, as I’m sure many people have, but being the self-centered millennial that I am I think my thoughts are special so I’m going to talk about what I think of this concept anyway.

We, as a society, have known that people do terrible things since society became a thing. The person that is typically used to demonstrate the evil in humanity is Hitler —surprise, surprise. Personally, I think there are different degrees of terrible. For reference, here’s my scale:

1 – Kind of bad

2 – Okay, that’s bad.

3 – Can you please not do that again you’re seriously agitating my morals.

4 – Literally why are you so awful.

5 – Honestly, go fuck yourself you piece of shit.

That may seem like it escalates quickly, but that’s just how it is.

The thing that really interests me about this concept of people doing shitty things is that EVERYONE does shitty things. You can look up to a person so much and treat them like the center of your moral universe and they will still do things that fall somewhere on my well-thought-out scale. Just look at my family, I love them to death but some of them have at least gotten up to a 4.

Even personally, I’ve done things that I look back and just think, “Wow, I’m a piece of shit.” I still feel bad about never texting my junior prom date back, and I’ve graduated college for fucks sake (I’m really sorry Nick). Now I know as a whole I’m a pretty decent human, but it’s just insane that we do things to other people (and sometimes to ourselves) that are just so damn awful.

For me, the rationale frequently has to do with sparing someone’s emotions, or avoiding someone’s reaction. The truth is, I’m a confrontation avoider at heart, and I know in almost all cases there is at least a part of me that simply does not want to or cannot deal with someone’s reaction. So I put off telling people things (sometimes even positive things) to spare myself the emotional pressure of dealing with their response.


Me running away from my problems like the majestic 20-something that I am.

It may sound like I’m sad about this, but I’m really not. If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand in my 21 years on this planet, it’s that you can love someone with everything you’ve got, but they’re still human. We’re all human, no matter what. We’ll make mistakes and we’ll fuck each other up. But the good ones will always come back to try and clean up their mess. I think that’s pretty cool.

I’m sorry for the speech, as I mentioned in one of my previous blog posts I’m the drunk preacher type. I hope you got something out of my rant, cause I’m feeling pretty content lately and I hope you do too.


The Basic One