#Nope

by Jamie Rice

Dear Karine,

Yesterday, I found a smudge of cream cheese in the corner of my mouth 2 hours after I had eaten it at Dunkin Donuts, and I wore the same pair of pants three days in a row. This is who I am. Fucking love me.

you're the worst gretchen jimmy

you're the worst gretchen jimmy

How I assume you feel about me.

Oh, Karina, do I have a fucking story for you. Just like prepare yourself because you are going to love this ish.

Okay, so I was working at the library last night, typical Thursday activity for me, and I text Jasper about bringing him a sucker. He works like right across from me, so I see him read the text and kind of look around all confused, and I just assume that he’s doing something else until I get a text back like 3 minutes later going, “What is a sucker?” And I’m like dude it’s a lollipop. And then I realize that the best case scenario is that he was looking around all confused because he thinks I asked if he wanted to receive some fancy 22-year-old sexual thing that involves sucking and is referred to by the kids these days as a “sucker,” which is fucking hysterical.

So the story is already funny, but it is about to get a whole lot better. I go upstairs to get my DVDs. Get the sucker (They’re called fucking suckers), and I walk over to make the transaction. In the middle of this transaction, this guy that you don’t know walks over, Frankie, and he starts speaking to Jasper. The conversation starts to get kind of boring, so I decide to casually swerve out (because I’m so cool and casual nowadays). So I’m walking slowly backwards towards the door, but no one sees me. I go, “Bye everyone,” in this casual whisper, and from this point on I remember everything in slow motion. I recall seeing Frankie turn and then looking at Jasper and locking eyes with him before *BAM* I back up so fucking hard right into a huge beam. Karine, I am not an embarrassed person, but the noise combined with the look on everyone’s face. Holy shit, dude. AND I didn’t even stay! I just booked it out of there. Literally, I was like nope, and I fucking sprinted out.

greg evil laugh

I can’t tell if this is me or the universe

And to top it all off, I immediately texted Jasper as I was swerving out “#nope” to which he replied, “you killed that exit tho,” and I was officially gone after that. Karina, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard at anything as I did at that entire situation. All I have to say is my life truly is a sitcom. It just is. People think they understand a sitcom but have you fucking lived it? I have, and it’s fan-fucking-tastic.

Honestly, in some weird way that was exactly what I needed to end my school week. I have been through so many different emotions, up, down and all around, that I really appreciate the universe coming in and giving me a good joke. I needed to be kicked down a peg in the funniest way possible. I needed to remember to laugh at myself because the problems always come when I get way too high key about my life. Sometimes, it is good to remember that you’re not that hot of stuff. You’re the girl who ran into a pole at 10:15 on a Thursday night in the library, and that girl is funny as fuck.

All my loving is currently being sent to you,

James xoxoxo

across the universe all my loving

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