They Hired Me to Drive the Struggle Bus!

by karinaaax03

Dear James,

If I had to write a headline about how I’ve been feeling since Monday, it would read: Local 20-Something Has Uncontrollable and Ever-Changing Mental State.

Shocking, I know, since I’ve been so level-headed, decisive, and calm lately (to clarify, I am being 200% sarcastic). I’ve been holding out for the past 2.5 months hoping that my mental state would calm the fuck down as the beginning of April neared, but it’s become increasingly obvious that is just not the case. Luckily though, it hasn’t gotten any worse in the black hole that is my brain. Baby steps, as always.

baby-giraffe-first-steps-o

This is what being an alum has felt like.

The past few days my emotions have included: angry, frustrated, bored, happy, loving, excited, regretful, hopeful, defiant, and essentially anything and everything in between. I know it sounds like I’m losing my mind, but in this moment I feel weirdly okay with all of this. No promises that I won’t be on the verge of self-induced heart palpitations by the time I’m done writing this post, though.

The past few days I’ve spent trying my hardest to look forward and to plan for the future, whatever that future might be. Admittedly, it’s hard to plan ahead when I don’t even know what I’ll be doing 3 weeks from now. The most long-term plan I have is a dentist appointment on April 2, and I’m not even comfortable telling my mom about it because I’m too scared to explain that I don’t want to go to my hometown dentist.

For the past few months, this constant state of not knowing a damn thing has been driving me up a wall, but I think little by little I’ve begun to see a strange beauty in not knowing anything. As long as I can make a bit of money to sustain my desire to go a place or two every once in a while, I can essentially do whatever the hell I want.

I’ve tried to take this concept to the extreme and force myself to believe that I have “no strings attached,” but that’s a lie. As with most other things lately, I’m settling in to the fact that I’m just not a “no strings attached” type of lady. I’m fiercely committed to making the people around me happy and that just simply does not go along with the “no strings” persona I’ve spent the past 21-years trying to display. Oh well.

tumblr_me9q7mclb81rv7cdvo1_500

I’m about as good as having “no strings” as Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in this film. So awful, legit awful.

Today feels like the type of day that I’m just spending some time settling into myself, coming to terms with things a bit, and trying (in a very, very low key way) to decipher what I want to do come April.

I’m still reeling over what to do with my life, facing my crippling indecision in all aspects of my life, and living a mostly sedentary existence. But fuck it, that’s where I’m at now and I’ll be okay with it if it’s the last thing I do.

Peace and blessings,

The Basic One

P.S. YOU ARE COMING TO NYC AND I AM SO TYPE A THAT I SENT YOU A GOOGLE DOC WITH RESTUARANTS/BARS WE SHOULD GO TO

snl-so-freakin-excited

 

 

 

 

Advertisements