Horoscopes and (Potentially) Regained Sanity

by karinaaax03

Dear James,

I’m back, bitch.

With our slightly wonky schedule lately, this post will be the return of our normal schedule. With luck, it’ll also be the return of my sanity. Wishful thinking.

Today, I didn’t have a meltdown before noon! In fact, I haven’t had a meltdown at all yet. I’m actually embarrassingly proud of myself for holding it together all day. I managed to suppress any feelings of anxiety before they developed into full-blown panic about my life. We’re moving in the right direction, my friend.

It seems that every day this past week has come with some weird news pre-afternoon, and today was no different. I had a hilarious conversation with my boss this morning (I was the only one who was laughing, admittedly). Lucky for me I am 100% in control of my emotions and therefore substituted any negative emotions with sheer, hysterical laughter.

Confession: I may be delusional.

Yep…not a thing…

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I haven’t written one of my typical philosophical posts in a while, probably because I’ve been using my usual methods of suppressing my emotions to try and remain sane. But I think today I’ll attempt to share a bit of what goes on in my head even though I’ve gone all day without a meltdown. Playing with fire here.

As you know I’m weirdly into astrology — which I suppose isn’t that weird after I told you I’m also weirdly into psychic mediums. Anyway, I read something about my sign (Cancer, as you probably recall) that kind of confirmed that I, in fact, have not completely lost it. I can’t seem to find the post now, because naturally that would be too convenient, so I’ll just have to paraphrase as best I can.

It said something like: Cancers have so much love to give and will do just about anything for someone else, but they often feel their efforts are unmatched.

As conceded as this may sound: STORY OF MY LIFE. Thank you, dear Internet, for making me feel less like a narcissistic bitch who constantly demands too much of people and more like a valid human. Your efforts do not go unnoticed.

Quick disclaimer: I know I have plenty of people in my life that love me and help me, and of course there are situations where other people help me more than I help them. BUT THIS POST IS LIKE MY ETERNAL STRUGGLE.

What I assume your reaction is to this information

*Cue trauma from past relationships* This was one of the biggest issues in attempting, and ultimately (and thankfully) failing, to make things work. I was constantly feeling like I was doing everything I could to try and fix things, to make him happy, to make his life better, and to show him how I felt. And it got to the point where I’d look around ask myself, “Well what the hell am I getting out of this?” That lead me to my internal demand of wanting a partner (not a child). As you know, he failed the “Are You My Kid or My Boyfriend” test and here we are.

So maybe I was a little harsh in my approach, maybe I could’ve taken a step back and really tried to see the positive impact he had on my life. Or maybe, fuck that. You know?

Yeah, fight me!

Maybe I don’t want to have to reach into the depths of a relationship to identify that ONE time someone did something super nice for me. Maybe wanting to see the same kind of effort I make reciprocated isn’t too much to ask. Maybe I need to take a chill pill and stop unleashing my inner angst in this blog post.

Back to reality. I know my stubbornness forces you to tell me at least once a week that my emotions (whatever they so happen to be at the time) are valid, and I think it’s finally starting to sink in.

And on the plus side, I’m finally starting to feel like I’m getting some of that love back. Good vibes, dude.



The Basic One

P.S. Still no actual life updates, still suppressing emotions, still have not rocked the boat as promised.

P.S.S. I watched New Girl today, hence the gifs. Also, Nick is me. I am Nick.