Dog Grant Me Serenity
I’m going to be completely honest, I got 2:55 into that mediation video and after audibly scoffing at a deep, vaguely British man whispering to me that I have no problems, I figured it just wasn’t meant for me. At least, not today.
Recently, I’ve been pretty good about not crying in public places and/or in general. When I say recently, I mean before yesterday at 7:15 p.m. As I was sitting on the plane yesterday, writing a “letter” as I normally do to try to sort through all the thoughts in my tiny head, I nearly made myself cry with my own writing. No big deal, I thought, it’s been an emotional day, I’m sure writing this will help me internalize everything and I’ll be just dandy. YAH THAT’S FUNNY! The world shouted back at me in the form of waking my sleeping body up at 4 a.m. for no apparent reason other than to contemplate my life and cry while realizing that 4 a.m. is the perfect time of night to internalize just how lonely this world can get.
Apparently, contrary to my usual system of sorting through the black hole that can be my psyche on a bad day, writing things down only made everything 100x worse. I think my brain was purposefully not letting things sink in an effort to keep me from going into a full blown panic, but of course I fucked that up by forcing myself to think.
Now, I sit here writing to you in a state of panic that is only slightly subdued by subtle glances in the direction of my peacefully sleeping dog.
As I’ve stated in the past, being at Elon let’s me (at least kind of) forget about my responsibilities and my actual emotions and replace them with happy thoughts and fun activities. Apparently, the second I stepped on that plane I also stepped into a very deep, intensely debilitating reality check.
I get it, being a 20-something has it’s uncertainties, it’s ups and downs, but this shit is just insane. Am I going back to work or not? Am I working at this farm or not? Am I getting a job in the city or not? Am I moving to North Carolina or not? Am I liked OR NOT?
I AM LOSING MY DAMN MIND.
For just a fucking minute, I would love to have some sort of CLARITY. A moment where I actually know which direction my life, or at least some small segment of my life, is going in. BUT ALAS, I DON’T KNOW A FUCKING THING.
I complain that other people are hot and cold, and they certainly can be, but apparently I am no different. One moment I’m dreaming about kayaking on Jordan Lake with a dog (Jordan Lake is by Chapel Hill and frankly I’m not getting a dog so I’m unsure why that’s my fantasy) the next minute I’m imagining bopping down the streets of Manhattan and hitting up a rooftop bar with my coworkers.
I’d ask for a sign, but apparently I’m glaringly resistant to the obvious information that is presented to me so I doubt it’d do any good anyway.
Now that I’ve drowned you in my manic anxiety, I’m going to attempt to look on the bright side.
On the bright side, I’m a pretty awesome person with an inclination to maintain said awesomeness. On the brighter side, I’ll hopefully know what I’m doing by the end of next week, at the latest.
I’m not saying any decision that I make is going to be easy, or that it’s going to be right, but it will be made. If nothing else, that has to be a good sign.
All my loving,
The Basic One
P.S. While looking through New Girl gifs I found this gem, and now I can’t stop contemplating how I can be so Nick and so Jess at the same time:
P.S.S. Also this reminded me of you: