The Push and the Pull…Well, Mostly Just the Push

by karinaaax03

Dearest James,

All the thoughts. In my head.

I’ve been unusually in my own mind lately, which means a lot coming from someone who’s usually at least 50% floating around in her own little world of endless thoughts.

I’m not quite sure what the deal is, but I think I’ve just been a bit overwhelmed with life lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, just in a way.

I’ve basically accepted the fact that I have a second job as the Communications Liaison for my family. This has low-key always been my role in my family, but it’s been extra apparent lately. I blame my zodiac sign for my extremely maternal instincts and, in turn, my constant need/position of taking care of people.

In the past week, I’ve had to book everyone’s flights, help set up a meeting time so my sister can get her new phone, coordinate my sisters’ pick-up times from college, spearhead Mother’s Day plans, make sure my parents are individually okay with graduation plans, and basically everything else. I’ve even been asked to fill out my sisters’ FAFSA for them on more than one occasion. Only about 25% of these things are actually activities I’m participating in, so why, I wonder, are they all my problem.#OverIt

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As I said to my sister last night, it’s honestly just sad that I am the highest level of having their shit together in my family, since I really never feel like I have my shit together at all. But I suppose if the shoe fits…

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Too bad my metaphorical shoe isn’t as dainty as Cinderella’s literal one.

On top of all the logistical issues, I’ve also been trying to get my father to realize the simplest of concepts for MONTHS now. I’ve told him approximately 100x that he needs to initiate conversation with my sister because she won’t and they need to fix their mutual communication.

I have three theories for why he doesn’t understand this seemingly simple concept:

  1. The juvenile notion that texting someone first is somehow a weakness has yet to be conquered.
  2. Somehow being an adult qualifies you to be technically wrong but simultaneously right. (If this is true, I can’t wait until it kicks in for me!)
  3. Men are, in fact, all just incredibly fucking stubborn.

For me, no matter which way you twist it, it’s fucking stupid.

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Still no doubt in my mind that I am Nick.

And that got me thinking a lot about communication, and if we have to just accept people the way they are. Obviously, in situations pertaining to family and small disagreements, we might as well just accept people and conform to meet their needs without totally obliterating our everyday lives. But I’m trying to take it a step further than that.

When, I ask myself as I sit in my tiny cube writing this, is accepting someone’s menial flaws and annoyances the wrong thing to do? Where is that balance between getting what you want and isolating everyone? I get I’m being a bit dramatic here, but think about it — if you’re always pushing your own agenda to ensure your complete and total happiness, it’s pretty likely you’ll end up alone at the end of the day. There’s got to be some compromise in life, some push and pull.

And so I continue to wonder, as the generally submissive person that I am, if I’ve just been letting myself get pushed around too much. If maybe I’ve been giving in too much lately and sacrificing what I want/need for the (sometimes greater, sometimes not-so-much greater) good. I’ve always, always struggled to really stand up for myself (hello lack of opinions and horrible decision making skills, I see you) so sometimes I like to check myself before I wreck myself, to put it as literally as my metaphor-inclined self can.

I can convince myself of almost anything, and I think I’ve convinced myself that I’m fine not taking my “pull” in a lot of matters, but I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s stupid and annoying and gets me all in a way so you know what, fuck that.

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My tossing my submission in the air.

On the plus side, I will be seeing you in just 6 short days and we will be graduating college.

Time. Fucking. Flies.

All my love,

The Basic One

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If it wasn’t clear enough before, I’m Nick.

 

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