by Jamie Rice
Well, we’ve really done it now. At the point in our lives that we are the farthest way from each other, we have decided to do such eventful and interesting things that we are not blogging to each other about our lives or emotional states.
Well, all I’ve got to say to that is that my life has become boring again, so you better get ready for me to start chewing your ear off about my life and emotional state. I hope you’re ready because I’m kind of a mess nowadays. Just saying you should strap in or whatever.
I think I am beginning to have a major freak out about moving to California, and it isn’t because I don’t think I’ll like it. It’s because for most of my life, I always dreamed of being in NYC for a lot of reasons. Ironically, I think my love of film and TV shows, and their subsequent love of New York, is the number one reason, but the second reason has always been this weird fantasy I had where all of my friends would live there too. We would all laugh and eat and live awesome lives.
Fast forward to today. I am fresh off of an extremely fun trip to both New York and Philadelphia where I got super close to all of my ComicsVerse co-workers, so close that I am going to have to talk about a few of them later in the love section of this post, and I got to hang out with you for lots of small and awesome bursts of time. You are living there. Avalon is living there. Rachel is trying to live there, and everyone that I like from ComicsVerse also lives there–and they’re all gonna go see Marco’s band perform without me in two weeks! My weird fantasy has come true, but there is a hitch. I’m not fucking there.
Of course, there is always a possibility that I could move there after law school or that I just drop everything and move there. Who the fuck knows frankly, but it’s one of those weird things where I know exactly where everyone I love is and I don’t know how to justify getting to them. It’s kind of like how you felt with everyone down at Elon after you graduated BUT we’re out of college making this all feel more intense and upsetting than I want it to feel at all.
I’m sure the feeling will fade, and I’ll make money so I can take the redeye and people will take the redeye to me too, but it just feels sad and distant. And right now, I don’t like it.
It also doesn’t help that, of course, I love my parents, and I actually do have a weird love for Tulsa (Trust me, you don’t google the fact that Tulsa is the 46th biggest city in the USA if you don’t have some real intense deep down weird love), but I have always felt like my life was so much bigger than Oklahoma. The things that I love and care about have always been created in or centered around NYC and then LA. So, weirdly, even though I am basically moving to one of those cities, it still feels like I am once again getting stuck in a place that isn’t where I want to be.
Hopefully, getting all of these feels out to you via the blog will help, but right now, I gotta admit that I’m still kinda hurting.
And to End
Aside from the slight emotional pain that I just described to you, I am also going through a weird time romantically for a couple of reasons. First of all, I watched this movie today, I know you’re rolling your eyes, and it was all about this awesome independent woman played by Carey Mulligan, aka Daisy from The Great Gatsby, and she turns down all of these good suitors and marries this asshole soldier because he is sexy and tells her she is pretty–I promise you I am not simplifying as much as you might think. Of course, my mother, attempting to make a joke, is like, “I can’t believe she would fall for the whole ‘I’m pretty’ thing.”
Well, that was a bit awkward for me since after that scene I realized that the entire scenario reminded me a lot of my YG experience. I was a strong independent woman that never really got, recently at least, that level of unabashed physical worship, and I couldn’t say no. Basically, it just made me feel some type of way, and it was a really good movie that I think you would love. Definitely watch Far From the Madding Crowd.
Okay, aside from that romantic film recommendation, I am also just feeling a general level of loneliness. It is very natural, especially considering how long it has been since my last romantic endeavor, but what is weird is that I have never really been one to have a rebound or anything like that, and I think I kind of have one right now in one of my coworkers. He’s kind of in the same sad lonely place, and we just talk to each other. I feel like we do something different from that. (God, I am cringing as I say this) It’s weird, but it’s kind of like we just need someone to listen to us. (Fuck, this is embarrassing. I can feel you over there being like, “Jamie is in loooooove.” Well, I tell you right now that I deny it.) It’s kind of similar to what Matt and I used to do when we would talk to each other, but the thing is that Matt is a total fucking ass. An ass who I think is a friend to me now but still an asshole. And that doesn’t really make for good healing. It’s nice tough love, but it doesn’t give comfort.
And as you can tell from my above words, that is clearly also giving me conflict. I know like all things, that these feelings will pass, but they are feelings that I have nonetheless.
Anyway, mama. I love and miss you lots. Let me know if you’re still trying to come visit me this summer, and if/when you would like me to try and come visit you on the Upper East Side, and I will try my hardest to make it happen.
All the love in this crazy silly world,